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IRS Audits Granpa

Posted 2023-05-12 23:33:40 CDT

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”

Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

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Unintended Concequence

In the early years of the twentieth century, Mexico was introduced to mayonnaise. The Mexican people quickly became enamored with the condiment and couldn’t get enough of it. However, there were no one in Mexico that was making mayonnaise and so it had to be imported from Europe

Mexico ordered 50,000 jars and as it happened it was loaded aboard the Titanic which was leaving on it’s maiden voyage to New York City and would then continue on to Vera Cruz, Mexico with the shipment of mayonnaise.

Now, as we all know, the Titanic sank before reaching New York and the mayonnaise went to the bottom of the Atlantic alone with it. The Mexicans were devastated. The sadness was so wide spread that the Mexican government decided there should be a national holiday to commemorate the tragic loss of this first shipment.

That holiday is now known as the Sinko de Mayo.

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Where Are They?

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.  He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country!"  But the passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by.  "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says, "I no American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!"  That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not an American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an American?"  She says, "No, I am from Russia!"  So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says…

"Probably at work."

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CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.  She tells the mechanic it died.  After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?

NOTE: This joke doesn't work in today's world of fuel injected, hybrid, and electric cars!

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SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.  Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

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The New Boss

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.  This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.  The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!

The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week.  Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about him self, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "He was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

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Have You Spoken To Him?

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.  Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready"

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready"

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works in the computer tech support call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him.  I have.

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The Frog at the Bank

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.  He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.  The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure.  I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."  She holds up the tiny pink elephant.  "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack.  Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are… )

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Computer Programming Contest

Moved to its own page

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The Indian Chief

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.  He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up."  He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.  The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.  He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other.  He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Chief!  We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.  What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United States Congress:  Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

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FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.  The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HelOOOooo," answered the blonde.  "Doh, they're watch dogs."