The Genius of Steven Wright
- 1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- 2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
- 3 - Half the people you know are below average.
- 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- 5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- 6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
- 7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- 8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
- 9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
- 10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- 11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
- 12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
- 13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
- 14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
- 15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- 16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- 17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
- 18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
- 19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
- 20 - If Barbie is so popu, why do you have to buy her friends?
- 21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- 22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- 23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
- 24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
- 25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- 26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- 27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- 28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
- 29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- 30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- 31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
- 32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
- 33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
- 34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- 35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work
