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Golf Jokes
If you think you might be offended by the use of religious figures, certain nationalities, races, genders, or anything else, then you probably won't think these are funny.
A rather good golf junkie who happened to be a priest was on the 18th hole and had about 200 yards left to the green.
He pulled out his 1-iron and started to swing at the ball. Suddenly, the clouds overhead let out a flash of lightning and a massive roll of thunder, shattering a tree some 300 yards to his right and rain began pouring down in a blinding sheet.
The distraction caused him to hook the shot badly out of bounds. He looked up, waved his 1-iron at the clouds, and began screaming and cursing God.
His caddy ran up, grabbed his club arm and yanked it down, yelling “Are you crazy? You don’t wave a club around like that in a thunderstorm!”
The priest looked at his caddy and said, “Psh… Not even God can hit a 1-iron!”
There country club didn't allow women on the golf course. Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to allow women on the course on weekdays.
The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's league and became active. After about six months, the club board received a letter from the women's league complaining about the men urinating on the golf course. Naturally, the board simply ignored the matter.
After another six months, they received another letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanding action.
After due deliberation, the board sent the women a letter advising them that they had been granted equal privileges.
A recent study had some interesting conclusions on the weight of golfers in a particular summer industrial golf league.
This study indicated that the single golfers who play in these leagues are 'skinnier' than the married ones.
The study's explanation for this result was interesting. It seems that the single golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a 'refreshment' at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to his refrigerator, finds nothing decent there and goes to bed.
The married golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a 'refreshment' at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to bed, finds nothing decent there, so he goes to his refrigerator.
“How was your golf game, dear?” asked Jack's wife Tracy.
“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went.”
“But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!” admonished his wife, “Why don't you take my brother Scott along?”
“But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore,” protested Jack.
“But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,” Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on.
Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. “Do you see it?” asked Jack.
“Yup,” Scott answered.
“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
“I forgot.”
Jesus and Moses are playing golf and they're on the tenth hole. Moses hits the ball and it heads straight for a pond. Just before the ball hits the water, the pond parts and the ball rolls up onto the green.
Jesus winds up and hits one about to the same spot. Jesus' ball hits the water and skips across, onto the green.
All of a sudden, lightning flashes and a ball drops from the sky into the pond. A fish swallows it, a bird swoops down, picks up the fish. The fish drops the ball onto a turtle, that walks over to the hole and drops it in.
Moses turns to Jesus and says, ”I hate it when your Dad plays!"
At dawn the telephone rings.
“Hello, Señor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house.”
“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”
“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor, that your parrot died”
“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”
“Si, Señor, that's the one.”
“Damn! That's a pity! I spent a fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”
“From eating rotten meat, Señor”
“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”
“Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”
“Dead horse? What dead horse?”
“The thoroughbred, Señor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart.”
“Are you insane? What water cart?”
“The one we used to put out the fire, Señor”
“Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?”
“The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”
“What the... ! But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”
“For the funeral, Señor.”
“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?”
“Your wife's, Señor, she showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief. So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver.”
[Silence]
“Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep sh*t!”
Lady Luck was seldom kind to Sam.
Although Sam had a real zest for life he was constantly beset by bad luck.
He loved poker but poker did not love him; he played the stock market with great anticipation but always seemed to be the one who bought high and sold low.
His life seemed to be full of more downs than ups..
His greatest delight was his golf game.
Not that Sam was a great golfer; in fact, he never managed to break 100, but the odd shot that somehow ended up in the general area he had in mind was enough to keep his hopes alive.
Finally Sam became ill and passed away. But just before he died, he asked that his remains be cremated and his ashes be scattered just off the fairway on the ninth hole of his home course.
Accordingly, a gathering assembled to carry out Sam's wishes.
It was a bright sunny day and was going well. Then, as the ashes were being strewn, a gust of wind came up and ... blew Sam out of bounds.
A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He said, “Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?”
To which Jack replied,“The holes are numbered!”
Dick brings a friend to play golf with two of his regular golf buddies. His buddies ask him if his new friend can play golf and Dick replies,“He's very good.”
The new guy hits his first tee shot into the bush, so his buddies look at Dick and say,“You said your friend was a good golfer!”
Dick says,“Just watch him play.”
They see the ball fly out of the bush onto the green where the new guy takes two putts and makes an easy par. On the second hole, a par 3, he hits the ball into the lake. The two buddies look at Dick again and say, “You said this guy was good.”
Dick replies,“Just watch, he's a great player.”
The new guy walks right into the lake after his ball. Three minutes pass and there’s no sign of him. Suddenly, an outstetched hand comes out of the water and Dick’s buddies yell him to dive in to save his drowning friend.
Dick replies,“You don’t understand, that just means he wants a 5 iron”.
Morris was a man who knew all there was to know about golf. He knew all the courses, the champions, their scores, as well as the prize money the professionals had won for the past fifty years or more. He had read every book ever published on the game and knew all there was to know about technique, but, strange to say, he had never played a game.
Having listened to him hold forth for so long his friends finally ganged up on him and insisted that he play a game. It was arranged for the following weekend. Morris set out with borrowed clubs and faced the eighteen holes of his home course.
Five hours later he returned with a score of 53 which included four eagles, nine birdies and a hole in one. Never had anyone seen such a fine performance from a beginner. However while the celebrations were going on in the clubhouse, Morris announced that he would never play again.
"What!" cried his distraught mates.
"What!" echoed the equally distraught pro. "But you could win all sorts of prizes for the club. You know everything there is to know about the game."
"Not everything," Morris replied. "The books didn't tell me I'd have to walk."
Do you know that: When a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry and he goes weak in the knees. And he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a new golf bag.
A man and his wife are playing the fifth hole at their club when he slices his drive so far to the right it rolls into an equipment barn. He finds the ball and plans to take a drop when she says, “Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway.”
He thinks this is a good idea, so she holds the door. He takes a big swing, but rather than flying through the door, the ball hits her in the head and kills her.
A year later, the same man and his new bride are playing the same hole when he again slices the ball into the shed. He finds it and plans to take an unplayable lie when she says, “Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway.”
He looks at her, shakes his head, and explains, “No way. The last time I tried that, I took a triple bogey on this hole!”
“I don't know about that new pro,” said Cameron at the golf club. “He may be a little strange.”
“Why do you think that?” asked Francis.
“He just tried to correct my stance again,” said Cameron.
“So?” said Francis. “He's just trying to help your game.”
“Yeah, I know, but I was standing at the urinal at the time.”
A golfer comes home from work and is greeted by his spouse dressed in her sexiest, lacy, black underwear. “Tie me up,” she begs in her sweetest voice, “and you can do anything you want.”
So the golfer ties his lovely wife to their bed, kisses her passionately and says, "Thank you, darling, I love you."
The he went out and played 18 holes of golf.
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde. She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?”
Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!”
They're amazed, but continue to ask, “So, how did you persuade her to marry you?”
“I lied about my age”, Bob replies.
“What, did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”
Dana called his friend in tears. “I can't believe it,” he sobbed. “My wife left me for my golfing partner.”
“Get a hold of yourself, man,” said his friend. “There are plenty of other women out there.”
“Who's talking about her?” said Dana. “He was the only guy that I could ever beat!”
Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods are playing the 16th hole. When Tiger's tee shot lands behind a huge, 100-foot fir tree. Tiger looks at Arnie and says, “How would you play this one? Lay up and take the extra stroke?”
Arnold replies: “When I was your age, I'd just play right over this tree.”
Tiger, not wanting to be shown up by ol' Arnold Palmer, proceeds to hit the ball high, but not high enough. It bounces off the tree and lands out of bounds. Tiger, really ticked at this point, asks Arnold how he EVER hit a ball over that tree.
Arnold calmly replied: “Well, when I was your age, that tree was only five feet tall.”
Alex comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife, Amanda asks why he doesn't include John Gumby in the games anymore.
Alex asks, “Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears outrageously over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?”
“Of course I wouldn't,” states Amanda.
“Well,” mutters Alex, “neither does John Gumby.”
A wife and her husband are sitting around one evening, just talking, when the wife suddenly asks, “If I died, would you re-marry?”
“I would,” the husband answered.
“You would?” the wife asked, a bit surprised. “Would you let her come into my house?”
“I would.”
“Would she be cooking in my kitchen?”
“She would!”
“Would she be soaking in my bathtub?”
“She would!”
“Would she be putting her clothes in my closet?”
“She would!”
Growing more exasperated, the wife continued asking: “Would she be driving my car?”
“She would!”
“Would she be sleeping in my bed?”
“She would!”
“Would she be using my golf clubs?”
“Oh, no, definitely not.”
“Why not?”
“She's left-handed.”
A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means the average golfer gets about 41 miles to the gallon.
That kind of makes you proud, doesn't it? Almost makes you feel like a hybrid.
Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf.
The pro asked, “Did you guys have a good round today?”
The first old guy said, “Yes, I had three riders today.”
The second old guy said, “I had my most riders ever. I had five.”
The third old guy said, “I had seven riders, the same as last time.”
The last old man said, “I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today.”
After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their round went to the pro and said, “I've been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?”
The pro said, “A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it.”
